Today I cried. I thought at one point I might throw up and cry, but it was just crying.
I had one of the "this is where the rubber meets the road", kind of days. I know that I will have days like this during my journey, but I don't like it much at all, and would rather skip these days and just move on. I am sore. REALLY sore. Everywhere! I knew that I had a group work out with Ron at 7:00 tonight and wasn't in any shape to meet with him and try to fake my way through the workout. I still can't go to the bathroom without sounding like a seal when I sit down and get up....I make this "weowehaha" kind of sound that makes the dogs bark. I have to tell them it's just me...and they run in to see if anything has joined me in the bathroom, once they see all is well they run out, then I stand up and it's the same thing again. Another thing about being this sore is that when you step off the curb or get out of your car, you kinda start running for no apparent reason, before you can get back under control. Wierd right?
I worked all day, drank about 4 - 24oz cups of water, and peed nine times. More water, less water, more water, less water.....I drank one of the Campbell Soup at Hand - Chicken and stars for lunch, thinking that with only 70 calories, that was a good choice. Nope...not good. Those are very high in sodium I now know, and it made me thirsty, which made me drink more water, and as much as I would have liked to ride my wheelie desk chair to the restroom rather than walk, I had to walk the 800 miles to the bathroom even more. I am still struggling with the food end of this. I was thinking of my Jenny Craig year and how nice it was to be able to eat only the Jenny food on the plan. It was portion controlled and the real decision was if you wanted to have a bar or pancakes for breakfast. I hated the Chicken Plumrose though. Gag! Obviously being a lifetime member of Jenny Craig has worked out well for me, don't you think?
Anyway...I made it to the gym for my workout with plenty of time to go on the treadmill or elliptical to try to loosen up my legs. I have to tell you, the equipment at this gym is top notch. I had brought my i-pod to listen to music, but decided that I would rather watch the TV on the elliptical machine while I warmed up. You plug your ear phones into the equipment and off you go. I watched an entire episode of "The King of Queens", and forgot about the soreness in my legs. They did feel better however so I toddled off to finid my team.
We worked out in the Man area of the gym. The sweaty, groaning, mostly bare chested, big guy weight lifter, area. The oh my, look at the six-pack on him, area of the gym. I wasn't distracted at ALL....wink, wink!! Sorry...... Where was I, oh yes, I met with my trainer Ron and trainer helper Sam (Samantha), and since I had warmed up already we got to business. I picked up 5lb weights to use for my reps. We did curls, and presses, and rows, and lifts and all sorts of things, each for 30 seconds before moving on. The first round wasn't too bad. Then we had to do Walk-outs. Picture standing up with your hands on the floor, you "walk" out on your hands until you are in push-up position, then you "walk" back and stand up again. I did four and nearly fainted because I guess I didn't breathe through them. I only had to do five so when I caught my breath, I finished, but OMG! Then we had to do mountain climbers, toe touches, leg kick things, V-ups (this is on your back and you raise your head and shoulders and feet into a V) high knee kicks, someting else, and then water. When we got done, we started over again with the dumbbells, floor work, walk outs, etc., only for more reps. Then we did the whole thing again only for more reps, and 12 walk outs, V-ups and...and...and. It was brutal. Each time we stopped we were supposed to drink water, and each time I drank water and did the walk ups, I tried to throw up. Ron and Sam were really helpful and encouraging, but I was done in. I had sweat dripping off my clothes, hair, finger tips. And then I heard myself doing something I promised I wouldn't do.
I made excuses, and I talked about why I couldn't do things and it was because I had a bad stomach surgery, and had no muscle tone, and it was so hard for me, and so on. I made a promise to myself before I started that I would NOT under ANY circumstances label myself, or say I couldn't. I would do my best at all times, no matter what I was asked to do. I learned from my friend Nita that you can struggle through horrible physical pain and overcome the situation you are in, and you can do anything you are asked, for awhile. Ten minutes, ten reps, ten miles, whatever. I didn't want to be so weak spirited that I felt the need to explain why I wasn't able to do walk ups or whatever, and yet I made excuses. My trainers never asked me to do anything that wasn't in my ability, they never questioned why I let myself get into such bad shape, and I don't think they cared, but I did it anyway. They never judged me and found me less than...but I did. I did everything they asked me to do, and thanked them when I left.
It was raining when I left the Gym at 8:30. It fit my mood, and I still felt so sick to my stomach. I didn't drink water on the way home or eat a celebratory apple. I drove home in the quiet thinking about the work out and my reaction to it. I got home and was met at the door by my Alex who was glad to see me. There was some stress and conflict that needed to be talked about so we did that. Mark followed me into our room and asked me how things went. I sat on the side of my bed, and I cried. Not because of the hard work out, or the excuses, the sore muscles, or the home stuff. I cried because I can't truely believe I have let myself get so out of shape, and unhealthy. That my life had so little value to me. That I would make excuses rather than get up and fix it. And because I have perfect stangers that are helping me to get better so I can be here for my family. With no judgement.
Tomorrow we have a team work out at 6:30...I can't wait!
Kelly
No comments:
Post a Comment