Days 43 - 46 - February 24 - 27, 2011

So I mentioned earlier that I was having a very difficult week, one of the most challenging so far, and I wasn't kidding.

I have been struggling with my eating this week. I think I am in a rut about my food choices, and I find myself slipping back into the habit of not eating at all. I went to fill out my food log, and I find that I have large gaps between meals. I am supposed to be eating three meals a day plus snacks, and I have had a couple of days that it seems like I only had snacks, for every meal. Today I had the following for lunch: 2 pre-packaged cups of Sugar Free Jello, 1 container of Greek yogurt, 5 Ritz crackers w/ 1 wedge of Laughing Cow cheese....and water. That's it. I had every intention of adding a good protein source, like a sandwich, but I just didn't see anything I wanted in the cupboards. I know I need to do better, especially since I haven't turned in my food logs like I am supposed to, and will really do better next week. 

Today is weigh in day. I weighed myself on the Wii before I got dressed, and it said I was down 2.6 pounds, however, when I went to weigh in, it was quite different. I always make sure I am wearing the same clothes when I weigh in so that each week it is consistant. This week we were meeting in the main gym next to the cardio room. The idea is that instead of having a meeting after weigh in, we were going to work out, first with "Joe D Bands", my trainer Ron leading it, then with the Marines, doing a "Boot Camp". The scales were set up in the corners so I found my scale and found that aI had lost only .4 lbs. Not even quite a half pound. I was crushed because I thought I had been working out really hard, and the "reward" is the pounds lost. My heart fell into my feet. I found my team and they were all celebrating because of their weight loss, one guy lost 9.8 lbs, the other guy 6.4, The other gal lost 5, and I lost 0.4. Whoopty doo....!  They all said the right things about inches, and the "well, you are still losing, so I should feel better", and the changes are on the inside, blah, blah, blah...but I don't feel better. I feel like a failure. 

Our team has gone through some changes this week also. The program director has kicked the other two gals off the team because they never show up and haven't been part of the program. One of the gals was sick and ended up with Vertigo. She wrote an e-mail saying that she was going to do the program in September instead of right now...then she said she was going to fix the Vertigo by having her crystals realigned.....alright......And the other gal was just kicked off. Because of this, the numbers and percentages for our team changed dramatically and we went from 5th place to 1st place! First place should make me really happy..right? I am happy, but I just don't feel like I had a lot to do with it. I know that there is no "I" in team...but there is one in ice cream, and that is what I want right now!

All week Ron has been telling us that the workout with the Marines won't be bad, that it will most likely be the easiest workout we've had. So I go into today thinking that it is going to be easy, and I don't know, maybe...fun!  Janice, the director, divided us into two groups. Our team went to the Joe "D" Bands side first. This is a snap since I've done it before. I get a fairly good workout, and am feeling tired after the first 30 minutes. TWEEEETTT! Janice blew a whistle and we switched sides, now going to the Marines, which I was still looking kinda forward to, right? Wrong, wrong, WRONG! In the first 10 seconds we were getting screamed at to "MOVE, MOVE, MOVE....GET OVER AND HANDS ON THE WALL....YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS"......that was the beginning of the longest 15 minutes of my life. I was screamed at for not responding "YES SIR", each time we were given an order, yelled at for not doing things fast enough, and for being slow. I was told that the reason we had to do 10 pushups was because one of the heavier women couldn't follow directions. I watched grown up men and women fall on their shoulders, and face trying to "Bear Walk" (this is on your hands and feet, rump in the air) crab walk, (this is on your hands and feet, tummy in the air ), and for not doing push ups fast enough. It was the most awful experience I have ever been a part of.

Remember when this challenge began, I said no excuses, that I would do what I was asked to my very best ability? I couldn't stay in the gym with the Marines. I went out to the hallway to catch my breath, and push down the aggrivation I felt, and there were two women standing out there in the hallway. One lady said to me, "Don't worry, I would "duck out" if I was in there too", and I told her that I was just catching my breath. She made me mad, because she was an outsider commenting on the situation, and because she was right! I thought to myself that I never walked out of a program yet, so I went back in the gym, ran to catch up, and listened to the men yell at another few people. I made it another few minutes, and I had to leave. Only this time I wasn't alone. One of the older gals left too, and she was crying because she had fallen and felt bad for making everyone else work harder. I dried off my face, this time it was a mix of sweat and tears, and went into the main gym. It is next to the gym where the Marines were so I could still hear what was going on. I got on the treadmill and jogged a mile in 13 minutes, long enough for the boot camp part of the workout to be over. When the yelling stopped, I went back into the gym, but I felt so heavy in my heart. Even when they announced that the Joe "D"  Bands team was in first place, I didn't feel like celebrating. One of the mentors came over to talk to me, but I just wanted to leave, so I told her I wouldn't be to the workouts for the weekend since we were going to Winthrop University and North Carolina. She was very concerned about me, but I just couldn't talk, so I left. I cried most of the way home. I was sad for the weigh in, the work out, the people that fell and were made to feel stupid, and mad at myself for quitting. I take responsibility for my actions, and maybe the water aerobics and the yoga class weren't enough of a workout for me. Maybe I just wasn't as careful about what I ate, or how often, and failed on my own accord.  

That was an experiance I hope never to do again. I talked to the other gal on my team on Friday, and she said she felt the same way. The only reason she didn't leave when I did, was because she was afraid that the rest of the HCC group would be punished. I didn't ask if that is what happened when I left. I don't care. Next week will be better, but I am concerned about eating out and not exercising while I am gone. I will have to just do my best.

The next work out for me will be on Monday. Wish me luck!

Kelly